Joke Quotes, Joke One-Liners, Joke Sayings, Joke Memes, Joke Statuses and Joke Tweets!
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here […]
My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse […]
Don’t you love the Oxford Dictionary? When I first read it, I thought it was […]
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. Jeff […]
Thinking of getting into the leg-breaking business, so I can profitably sell crutches later. Anthony […]
The planet is fine. The people are fucked. George Carlin
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re […]
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day […]
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the […]
If you’re looking sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. David […]
Comedy has always been important in my family. If you got in a good joke […]
Hopefully heaven has an open bar. A. R. Lucas
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as […]
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they […]
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard. Bob Monkhouse
In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes […]
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with […]
Guys are like dogs. They keep comin’ back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a […]
I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a-bitch, I […]
Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true. Yogi Berra
You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes. Larry David
If I had a dime for every time that I was wrong, I’d be broke. […]
The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself. Friedrich Schiller
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s […]
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. Richard Pryor
If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. Fran […]
I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized…. I’m just slutty. […]
I was married by a judge I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers
I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough. Russell Brand
Ah, yes, divorce…from the latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his […]
I’m far from being God, but I work God damn hard. Jay Z
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
Anytime u use a dildo to cushion your fall it’s a win! Jeremy Piven
If I’m dead do I still have to pay my taxes? Axl Rose
They say you are what you eat, but I don’t remember eating a jaded, anxious […]
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned […]
Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I […]