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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has […]
You know those guys who say ‘danger is my middle name?’ I bet if you […]
The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is […]
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help. Andy Borowitz
Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang […]
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on […]
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. […]
I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face. Ben Stiller
This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I’m coming to join ya, honey! […]
Well I have a microphone and you don’t so you will listen to every damn […]
Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I’m able to tell […]
I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good […]
There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student. Paul Graham
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber’s calf, he […]
The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on […]
Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys.. we’d […]
I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there’s one a […]
If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else. Yogi […]
Whenever I’m stuck in traffic, I can’t help but wonder, ‘Where did the creator of […]
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. […]
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and […]
It’s not a pretty face, I grant you. But underneath its flabby exterior is an […]
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year […]
Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names […]
Donald Trump – and I don’t dislike Donald one single bit – has no idea […]
Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world’s lamest Ghostbuster. I am […]
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am […]
Every morning, I would actually look at the obituaries before I had breakfast. And as […]
I always wanted to be a juvenile delinquent but my parents wouldn’t let me. John […]
People make a lot of jokes about the empty nest. Let me tell you, it […]
I do realize that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested. […]
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I’m going to try to get back and […]
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with […]
Poetry is like making a joke. If you get one word wrong at the end […]
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to […]
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that […]
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Milton Berle