Funny Quotes, Funny One-Liners, Funny Sayings, Funny Memes, Funny Statuses and Funny Tweets!
I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the […]
I don’t drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out […]
You show me a truly funny girl who doesn’t have emotional issues, and I’ll introduce […]
Yeah, I made it. It sneaks up on you. You’re some schmuck and you wake […]
I’m not God but if I were God, ¾ of you would be girls, and […]
The difference between screwing around and science is writing it down. Adam Savage
I don’t want to say my foster cat has abandonment issues but he’s worked out […]
I think I have mental problems, I think I have like weird obsessions with things, […]
When I sell liquor, it’s bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray […]
Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, ‘you […]
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, […]
Why didn’t the skeleton go bungee jumping? He didn’t have the guts. Thomas LaRock
Don’t worry about the horse being blind, just load the wagon. John Madden
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn’t […]
Every once in a while I get a perfectly placed hair in my mask that […]
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. H. L. Mencken
I can’t say that period talk is my favorite bonding arena. But I also think […]
I used to go missing a lot… Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World. George […]
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Erma Bombeck
Poop humor is fun. If you do the toilet scenes well and commit to them, […]
I don’t fight really. I try not to fight, actually. I try not to react. […]
A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself. Doug […]
Marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. […]
It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of […]
I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of […]
Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing. Jonathan Swift
I’d kiss a frog even if there was no promise of a Prince Charming popping […]
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. […]
Soon, I’m going to meet somebody around my own age, and she’s going to be […]
I think being able to age gracefully is a very important talent. It is too […]
I gave up drinking once — it was the worst afternoon of my entire life. […]
Always roll up the sleeves on your shirt. It gives the impression that you’re working, […]
Looks like what drives me crazy Don’t have no effect on you– But I’m gonna […]
…the more of a fool a man is, the less he cares to look like […]
I suppose that’s one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the […]
Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and […]
I figure I made out pretty good considering the rest of my family is either […]
My mother used to tell this corny story about how the doctor smacked me on […]
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and […]